It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
