I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
