I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We need to get me chipped asap
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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