I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
