You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
