Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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