I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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