The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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