I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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