who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
