the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
