the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
