The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
