Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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