i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
