My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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