I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
