I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
