I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
