we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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