apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
