I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
