My nipple is on Facebook.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
