i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
