Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
