saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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