my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
