I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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