My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
