It's Friday. Sex?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
