ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
