We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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