Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
