this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
