god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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