I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
