It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
did i just pee glitter
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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