i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
