I want to have your abortion
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just found a bag of teeth...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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