sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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