martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
