Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
