The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
