really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
