note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
