I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
