I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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