U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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