I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
