I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Acid is not a monday night drug
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
