I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
