You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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