What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
