She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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