i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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