I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
