Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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