just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
