you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
