He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
